Mystery Solved

What the hell smells like Burger King?? - This has been the question of the month for me. Actually, for the last 5-6 months. Mostly, I ask this question while in my car.

For the first month or so, whenever at a stop light, I would look around my car for any evidence of an actual hamburger. Were there any tell-tale yellow wrappers with an orange sticker shouting, "extra pickle"? Rolled up white bags from my childrens' last happy meals? A trail of leftover barbeque sauce packets that would lead me to that criminal half-eaten Whopper, Jr? Huh-uh. Nada. So, again I ask, What the hell smells like Burger King??

It had to be Dave. What else could it be? My husband had to have farted. Okay, so I smelled that smell when Dave wasnt in the car several times, but maybe he left it there. Maybe his fart was stuck in my car seat. I saw in some movie that when you smell a fart, its actually microscopic pieces of fecal matter floating through the air into your nasal passages. Maybe Dave's fecal particles were prisoners in my seat, unable to escape due to the micofibers locking them in.

One afternoon, as the entire family was in the car, I smelled it again. There it was. Burger King. Of course, initially, I did my whiplash look around to see if, in fact, we were passing a fast-food joint. Nope. So, then, I queried my family, Does anyone smell Burger King?

Them: Huh?

Me: Dave, baby, did you fart?

Dave: No.

Atticus: Mom said fart!

Me: Seriously, who farted?

Them: Not me!

Me: Do y'all not smell that?

Them: Smell what?

Me: You know, Burger King?

Them: Huh?

My quest continued, as did the mystery smell. Until one night while putting Ellie to bed I smelled it again. There it was. Clear as day. No mistaking... Burger King. In my 8 year olds room. Except, this time, I wasnt the only one who smelled it. Ellie did too. Whew! Mom, you stink! It was me? No! But, there, I saw it. A sirloin fog emitting from under my arms. I see in my head all these green squiggly marks coming out from under your arms, like in a cartoon, Ellie noted in a very concerned voice. I smelled my pits just to verify. Yep, it was me. I smelled like Burger King.

The most interesting thing about that revelation was, in the instant I had it, I had a flashback of a critical moment of my past. When I was about 12 years old, my family was vacationing with our best friends in New Smyrna Beach, Florida. As a day trip, we went to Sea World. Sea World was great, except that we chose the hottest day of the summer to go. All 7 kids were piled into the back of my mom's Volvo station wagon (back in the day when there were no seat belt laws limiting this kind of uber-fun). Stacey, who happened to be smashed right next to me, curled her lip and asked in the most accuatory way, "What the hell smells like Burger King??" Then she looked right at me and declared, "You have BO. You reek!" My day at Sea World was ruined. All I smelled all day long was my BO. And it did, in fact, smell just like Burger King. Puberty had hit and it hit with a beefy stench and I was mortified.

So, why in the world, at age 36, I am now again smelling like a BK Broiler? After all these years of body odor, why is it suddenly changing back to my pubescent scent? Are my hormones changing? Are my chemicals unbalanced? Is this menapause?? Why the hell do I smell like Burger King??

As I was lamenting these questions the other night at dinner with some friends, one of the dinner guests noted that she, also, had experienced her own recent rankness. However, hers was at the hands of a deoderant. Tom's Lavendar Deoderant, that is. The same exact kind I have been using for the past 6 months! Praise the Lord! I'm saved! The mystery has been solved! Its not me! I dont smell like rancid ground beef! At least, not without help! Several other women at the table concurred. Tom's Lavendar Deoderant actually left you smelling much worse. Like rotten lavendar. I cant tell you how relieved I am.

I have stopped using my healthy, aluminum-free, non-cancer causing deoderant. I am back on my aluminum saturated, pore-blocking, toxic building, cancer-causing antiperspirant and loving it. I am burger-free.

I guess the new mystery is, why, after all this, do I still crave Whopper, Jrs. with extra pickle?